My family had the privilege of trying Sex by Design from Abby Ludvigson for this review to use in conjunction with our own homeschool curriculum. This is a Homeschool Review Crew Review. All opinions expressed are my own or those of my family.
Abby Ludvigson is a inspirational and motivational speaker, author, and urban missionary that speaks about abstinence-until-marriage. Her mission is to reach youth ages 12 to 18 specifically with this message of purity. At age 12 she took a pledge to stay sexually pure until her wedding night. Abby went on to be a elementary educator in the public school system and saw how children were being inundated with bad peer pressure. Abby joined forces with The Navigators, an urban mission group, and created a curriculum to help parents educate their tweens and teens to stay pure. Abby is dedicated to helping young people in this day and age of increasingly sexualized culture to understand and honor God's design for sex.
Abby Ludvigson speaking in the film series of Sex by Design.
Sex by Design is a curriculum for parents of youth and youth to do together. This curriculum is for both girls and boys. This course is not a "sex education course", but a course that helps tweens and teens to assemble a Biblical worldview on God's design for sex and then apply it to their personal lives. This course consists of seven videos, a tween/teen workbook, and a parent manual.
Topics addressed in this curriculum are below:
Plan Ahead: Living Pure in a Sex-Saturated Culture (video is 23 minutes)
Counting the Cost: Every Decision Has a Price Tag (video is 23 minutes)
Dating: Doing Relationships God’s Way (video is 19 minutes)
Sex: God’s Purpose & Plan (video is 17 minutes)
Modesty: God Cares What I Wear (video is 19 minutes)
Pornography: It’s Deception & Steps to Get Out or Stay Out (video is 29 minutes)
Secondary Virginity: Running Back to God (video is 18 minutes)
How We Used This and Our Thoughts:
We were given Abby's Parent Introduction Video, Josh McDowell's Product Endorsement Video, and the 7 segment film series by topic as links either to stream online or download. We also received a physical copy of the parent guidebook and a teen workbook/guidebook in the mail. I downloaded all the videos so that we could watch them offline if we wanted because my internet is slow. I previewed the videos and lessons before my teens watched/did them and then we watched/did them together. We had a fairly in depth study and discussion after watching the videos.
My son Delbin who is 17 and my son Jaedan who is 15 were very receptive of the content so far and Abby does make it a lot easier for the teens to open up in discussion with me. I am glad to have had the opportunity to do the first and second segment with them so far. It has been very interesting to find out the experiences my sons have had with this type of peer pressure and talk to them about these delicate topics.
This message of purity is not new to me or to my family. I have been taught the same values since I was very small and now have incorporated these teachings to my children. My church, The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter Day Saints, has very similar teachings as Abby Ludvigson. At age 8 we are given a symbolic ring that we can wear with "CTR" on it, meaning Choose The Right, so that we can remember to do so. We also have a pamphlet that the youth are given from the church called "For the Strength of Youth" that summarizes standards rooted in both scripture and the writings and teachings of our church leaders. This pamphlet talks about dating, modesty, entertainment and media, family, friends, language, music and dancing, sexual purity, etc. There is a card version as well so we could keep it in a purse or wallet as a reminder. For the Strength of Youth is free online for everyone to read and the principles are applicable to all age groups and non-church-members alike. We are very fortunate to have a wonderful church that provides these teachings.
Most tweens and teens aren't taught these biblical teachings and even if they have been taught these values tweens and teens in this society are constantly bombarded with media and pressure that say it's alright to have sex before marriage, wear revealing clothing, do drugs and alcohol, etc. I am very thankful I was brought up with the teachings of my church and parents which say otherwise. I am also very thankful that I saved myself for my husband and soul mate after I was married to him. These same values and morals have been down to my children. I feel that these biblical teachings are very important to have and keep as youth. These topics might be uncomfortable to talk about, but tweens and teens need to hear them from their parents or their caregivers so they know what to do and how to handle themselves if the pressure arises.
If you do not have a church that provides a program like this or want something a bit more hands-on then I would recommend Sex by Design developed by Abby Ludvigson. I very much like Abby's down to earth approach. Her ministry is really valuable in this day and age. Abby's curriculum is well thought out and created. She delves into a lot of topics that might be uncomfortable for parents to talk about with their child, but makes it a lot easier because she supports you, the parent, through the process talking about these things to your tween or teen. Abby is also a real role model for your child and has put together this content for you so you don't have to search it out yourself.
Some of the online resources from Topic 1.
Along with her powerful videos of her speaking we were given a Parent Edition and Teen Edition of books to help solidify what was taught. Instead of just reading a pamphlet, we are given the opportunity to watch the Sex by Design film series, participate in discussions, and the teen can fill out the workbook. There are also other resources Abby references in the books to help along the way. For example: in the first segment Abby mentions a purity pledge she made when she was 12...she has made a certificate for the tweens and teens to fill out on her website and she also suggests for them to start a journal to their future spouse...she has a PDF file of journal entry ideas for this on her website.
Parent Edition Introduction: Getting the Most from this Series (including a helicopter view of the content)
How the Teaching Segments are laid out
A Note from Abby
Film Script
Film Outline (numbered key points, scripture verses, truth statements)
Follow up (discuss it, personalize it, apply it)
Key Topics From Segment
Appendix: Bible Study, The 1st Peter Principle, Endnotes
Teen Edition How the Teaching Segments are laid out
A Note from Abby
Film Outline (numbered key points, scripture verses, truth statements)
Follow up (discuss it, personalize it, apply it)
Key Topics From Segment
Appendix: Bible Study, The 1st Peter Principle
I like that this series is very interactive. The hands-on activities and other resources make it a very balanced approach for teaching tweens and teens purity. I like that this curriculum brings together many learning styles. It is great for all types of learners. I highly recommend it.
I received 8 Simple Tools for Raising Great Kids free to facilitate this review. Affiliate links may be in this posting. Thanks for supporting my blog.
8 Simple Tools for Raising Great Kids by Dr. Todd Cartmell is a practical guide to strengthening your relationship with your children. It features 8 tools: talking, listening, influencing, connecting, teaching, encouraging, correcting and leading. Each tool has 5 tips that delve deeper into it, with each tip section having roughly 3 pages that show how to develop this tool in your own parenting strategy. At the end, this book also has a helpful Summary of Tips and Notes that cross-reference with scripture and other texts.
This book is easy to read and has wonderful advice on the parenting front. I loved how short and simple each chapter was to read and even in the busiest of schedules I was able to squeak in a chapter or two since they are only 3 pages long. This advice is very solid and useful. In our everyday busy schedules nowadays we get caught up in so many other things and don't actually take the time to listen to our children. Their thoughts and feelings are just as important, if not more so, than our own and we need to set aside time for them. We need to connect with them in a good way and not only talk to them, but listen intently to them too. With positive behavior, good example and respect you can create good habits for both you and your children that will stay with them for years to come. This book has tools to show you how to be a better parent. By adding these 8 Simple Tools to your parenting toolbox I believe your parenting journey will be more successful. I know that these simple tools have already helped me!
DISCLOSURE/DISCLAIMER: (in accordance with the FTC’s 16 CFR,
Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in
Advertising”): Many thanks to Propeller Consulting, LLC / Flyby Promotions for providing a sample
of the product in exchange for this review and post. My thoughts are
mine and my family's own opinion and have not been altered by anyone
else. This post contains affiliate links which means I may
receive a commission if you click a link and make a purchase. Thank you
for supporting my blog!
I love Taylor Swift. She is a great role model for girls. She has a very sweet modest style which I think is rare in an artist of her stature. I admire this very much in her and I hope she never looses her innocence like so many other artists have before her.
Red is her fourth studio album. It was released on October 22, 2012 through Big Machine Records. The album features collaborations with new producers and guest artists such as Gary Lightbody and Ed Sheeran, and sees Swift experimenting with new musical genres. The Red Tour is scheduled to begin in March 2013. The insert to the album has all the words so you can sing along if you want to and each song has a different picture of Taylor.
State of Grace, Treacherous and We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together are my favorites on the album. The songs Red, 22 and We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together are very pop, they remind me a little of Avril Lavigne. I love Avril too, so they work well for me. The Last Time features Gary Lightbody of Snow Patrol and has a wonderful orchestra in the background and is a gorgeous duet. Holy Ground is upbeat and fast at first then slows and gets upbeat and fast again...great to dance to. Sad Beautiful Tragic is slow and melancholy. The Lucky One is about fame and fortune and where it actually gets you...kinda sad, but true, I guess. Everything Has Changed features Ed Sheeran. Most the songs in Red are about relationships, good and bad. Red is the color of intense emotions at both ends of the spectrum: love and anger. The whole
album is apparently about her experiences with love..."Swift" and crazy
at times. It is definitely one of her most dynamic albums to date, but I
believe she pulls it off well.
Red Music Video:
Track List:
1. State Of Grace
2. Red
3. Treacherous
4. I Knew You Were Trouble
5. All Too Well
6. 22
7. I Almost Do
8. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
9. Stay Stay Stay
10. The Last Time
11. Holy Ground
12. Sad Beautiful Tragic
13. The Lucky One
14. Everything Has Changed (feat. Ed Sheeran)
15. Starlight
16. Begin Again
DISCLOSURE/DISCLAIMER: I received product for free and reviewed this album because I wanted to. My thoughts are mine and my family's own opinion and
have not been altered by anyone else. I did not receive any other
compensation for doing this review.
It is time for a FIRST Wild Card Tour book review! If you wish to join the FIRST blog alliance, just click the button. We are a group of reviewers who tour Christian books. A Wild Card post includes a brief bio of the author and a full chapter from each book toured. The reason it is called a FIRST Wild Card Tour is that you never know if the book will be fiction, non~fiction, for young, or for old...or for somewhere in between! Enjoy your free peek into the book!
You never know when I might play a wild card on you!
***Special thanks to Ashley Boyer, Publicist, WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group of for sending me a review copy.***
ABOUT THE AUTHORS:
David Bordon and Tom Winters are partners in Bordon-Winters, LLC, a book concept and packaging company that produces successful books and gift products. Among their previous titles are the popular “101 Things You Should Do” series. This volume joins another one of their beautiful gift books, Everything Christmas.
SHORT BOOK DESCRIPTION:
Everything Romance is a gift book overflowing with heartwarming ideas to keep that special relationship fresh and exciting. Whether you’re a newlywed or celebrating 40 years of wedded bliss, this book offers a treasury of ways to capture your love’s heart daily. Love letters, inexpensive date night suggestions, tantalizing recipes, conversation starters, and inspiring love stories will all help you romance the love of your life in creative and meaningful ways!
Product Details:
List Price: $14.99
Hardcover: 288 pages
Publisher: WaterBrook Press (December 20, 2011)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0307729311
ISBN-13: 978-0307729316
AND NOW...THE FIRST CHAPTER:
A Marriage Blessing
Most gracious God, we give You thanks for Your tender love in sending Jesus Christ to come among us, to be born of a human mother, and to make the way of the cross to be the way of life.
We thank You, also, for consecrating the union of man and woman in His name. By the power of Your Holy Spirit, pour out the abundance of Your blessing upon this man and this woman. Defend them from every enemy. Lead them into all peace. Let their love for each other be a seal upon their hearts, a mantle about their shoulders, and a crown upon their foreheads. Bless them in their work and in their companionship; in their sleeping and in their waking; in their joys and in their sorrows; in their life and in their death. Finally, in Your mercy, bring them to that table where Your saints feast forever in Your heavenly home; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who with You and the Holy Spirit, lives and reigns, one God, forever and ever.
Toast pita breads until they are crispy and firm. Spread half of the pesto on each pita. Next, spread half of the cottage cheese on each pita. Top with chopped tomato and fresh basil. If desired, sprinkle with fresh grated parmesan cheese. Slice each pita into two or four wedges and enjoy!
Romance Trivia
A team of medical experts in Virginia contends that you’re more likely to catch the common cold virus by shaking hands than by kissing.
It is time for a FIRST Wild Card Tour book review! If you wish to join the FIRST blog alliance, just click the button. We are a group of reviewers who tour Christian books. A Wild Card post includes a brief bio of the author and a full chapter from each book toured. The reason it is called a FIRST Wild Card Tour is that you never know if the book will be fiction, non~fiction, for young, or for old...or for somewhere in between! Enjoy your free peek into the book!
You never know when I might play a wild card on you!
***Special thanks to Karri | Marketing Assistant | Harvest House Publishers for sending me a review copy.***
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Sara Horn is a wife and mom, a writer, author and founder of Wives of Faith, a military wives ministry. She’s a sought-after media guest and writer of numerous articles and books including GOD Strong and the Gold Medallion nominee A Greater Freedom cowritten with bestselling author Oliver North. She’s devoted to her husband who serves in the U.S. Navy Reserves, crazy about her son, and passionate about her ministry to women. Please visit
Sara Horn, a busy writer and mother, deemed the Proverbs 31 wife to be an impossible ideal. Or is it? This surprising, heartfelt personal account of Sara’s one-year experiment reveals how even a domestically-challenged woman can embrace God’s purpose and encourages readers to pursue God’s amazing plan for their lives.
Product Details:
List Price: $12.99
Paperback: 208 pages
Publisher: Harvest House Publishers (September 1, 2011)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0736939415
ISBN-13: 978-0736939416
AND NOW...THE FIRST CHAPTER:
Oh Be Careful What You Preach
Yesterday was Sunday.
Our pastor started a new sermon series on the family. We missed the first sermon last week, but we were there yesterday for the second. The first week was “Dads Matter More than Anything.” This week’s was titled “Moms Matter Just as Much.”
Good to know.
As the pastor got started, I pulled out my Bible and my notebook, all ready to take notes. But then he said something that made my stomach churn. My hands instinctively made fists. My eyebrows furrowed.
The biblical passage he was speaking from was Proverbs 31.
Of course, I muttered to myself, turning to the passage I revere and fear at the same time.
The Proverbs 31 wife and I don’t get along very well. I don’t appreciate how bad she makes me look. I don’t like the guilt I feel when I see her. If she is the standard all Christian wives should work toward, then I’m in serious trouble. If she’s the equivalent of Miss America, then I’m a whole lot more like Lucille Ball. I have a lot of explaining to do for why I’m not more like Miss America. And I’m not really sure I can.
The pastor started making his points:
An Excellent Wife Is a Rare Find (v. 10).
An Excellent Wife Can Be Trusted in Every Way (vv. 11-12).
An Excellent Wife Is Concerned for Others (v. 20).
An Excellent Wife Is Strong and Stable (v. 25).
And so it went.
I stopped taking notes at “An Excellent Wife Is a Tireless Worker.”
My husband glanced over at me when he heard my notebook snap shut. He knows that’s never a good sign. Neither was the steam coming out of my ears and the laser stare in my eyes. He started looking for the exits, just in case.
I don’t like it when men tell women what will make us excellent. I don’t consider myself a feminist at all, but I just don’t think men can possibly understand the woman any more than we can understand the man. That’s why Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus was written. Eve may have been formed from the man’s rib, but she definitely had a mind of her own. And maybe, just maybe, if Adam had taken more time to understand her, the whole scene with the apple and the garden might have gone a lot better. Just sayin’.
Part of my struggle with the treatment of the fairer sex comes from the attitudes I’ve witnessed through the church denomination I’ve partly grown up and worked in. I agree with a lot that my denomination stands for. But when it comes to the treatment and attitudes about the service of women in the church, it often leaves me with the same feeling I get when I hear fingernails scratch down a chalkboard.
What I don’t understand is why there’s this 21-verse list of what the perfect wife is and not at least a Top 10 of what makes a perfect husband. I raised this question once on Facebook, and a guy I know who is deep into seminary classes pointed out that Ephesians 5:25-28 is an all-encompassing directive for husbands. See what you think:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
Really? That’s great. Husbands are told to love their wives as they love themselves, and wives are given a laundry list of ways to show our love (just in case we might get confused and think the husband, as part of his love, might also “get up while it’s still dark and provide food” for his family). Husbands—you show love. Wives—get to cookin’.
Back to my stewing. I sat, listening to our pastor as he continued to speak on all the things that make an excellent wife, from the example of the Proverbs 31 superwoman:
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
(Proverbs 31:10-31)
I kept reading this passage, over and over, the successes of this great wifely role model taunting me more than encouraging me, my very being wilting and shrinking as I sat there, no comparison to this giant of an example. I was waiting, for what, I didn’t know. Waiting for something—a bright glimmer, anything that my pastor might say to give all the wives sitting in the audience, or maybe just me, some hope. He didn’t let me down. His last point was the same point I have made in the past: The Proverbs 31 woman’s most important task is to fear the Lord (v. 30).
My breathing relaxed a little. This, after all, was something I understood. Of course, I want to be a better wife and homemaker. I want to be a better woman in general. But my greatest desire is to be closer to God as his daughter. I want that close, incredible relationship with him.
I haven’t always done well with this. If God and I were going for a walk in the park, I’d be the kid running out in front, barely able to wait for him. Patience is not my strength. Waiting on God is hard.
I began to prayerfully think over the pounding of my heart, the churning of my stomach, and my fingers digging into my thighs. OK, so why am I so mad? Am I mad at the Proverbs 31 wife? Am I upset with the pastor? Am I angry at myself? I mean, I argued with myself. Wouldn’t it be great if you COULD be like the Proverbs 31 wife—if you were praying and reading the Bible and really staying in touch with God every day? Couldn’t God help you do it all?
He could if he wanted to, I’m sure. I’m just not convinced he wants me to be able to do it all. I’m not even convinced that the Proverbs 31 wife was real. I mean, I grew up being told King Solomon wrote the book of Proverbs, and he wasn’t exactly a role model when it came to women. He liked having as many wives as he could, and in fact it was his infatuation for the opposite sex that got him into trouble toward the end of his reign.
What if this woman we’ve all idolized and tried to emulate is just a concoction from King Solomon and a group of his royal cronies who sat around one day, drinking beers, and decided to have an impromptu brainstorming session on what makes the perfect wife? And some servant of his wrote all of these ideas down on a big Post-it note and it eventually made its way into Proverbs with all the other wise things Solomon wrote? In fact, my Bible notes that verses 10-31, the Proverbs 31-wife passage, is actually an acrostic. Each verse begins with a successive letter of the Hebrew alphabet. See? I told you it was a drinking game.1
Or if this woman really did exist, then maybe she was like the Martha Stewart of her day, and I’m sure the majority of the women living in that time didn’t like her and didn’t appreciate her. And while they watched her television shows and read her magazine, Housekeeping in the Holy Land, behind closed doors, they lived in fear and guilt that one day their husbands would come home and say, “Why can’t you be more like the Proverbs 31 wife?”
But then I got a crazy idea. Why can’t I be more like the Proverbs 31 wife? What would it be like to try and actually follow the example of this woman so many hold in such esteem?
It is time for a FIRST Wild Card Tour book review! If you wish to join the FIRST blog alliance, just click the button. We are a group of reviewers who tour Christian books. A Wild Card post includes a brief bio of the author and a full chapter from each book toured. The reason it is called a FIRST Wild Card Tour is that you never know if the book will be fiction, non~fiction, for young, or for old...or for somewhere in between! Enjoy your free peek into the book!
You never know when I might play a wild card on you!
***Special thanks to Christianne Debysingh, Senior Publicist, Harvest House Publishers for sending me a review copy.***
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Dr. Linda Mintle is a national speaker and bestselling author of more than 15 books, including I Love My Mother, But…and I Married You, Not Your Family. She appears regularly on several national television and radio shows and is a network news contributor. She also hosts her own website. In her general clinical practice, she specializes in marriage and family therapy, eating disorders, and infertility. A licensed clinical social worker, she holds a PhD in urban health and clinical psychology. She and her family live in Virginia.
All adult daughters struggle to find balance and perspective with their mothers, and they don’t realize that this emotionally charged relationship greatly impacts the health of all others in their lives. With expertise, life examples, and biblical insight, Dr. Mintle reveals how women can strengthen their relationships with their mothers.
Product Details:
List Price: $12.99 Paperback: 256 pages Publisher: Harvest House Publishers (March 1, 2011) Language: English ISBN-10: 0736930590 ISBN-13: 978-0736930598
AND NOW...THE FIRST CHAPTER:
Now, Let’s All Just Try to Stay Calm…
Changing Defensive Reactions
How do you feel about your mother?”
“Well, since you asked today, I feel good about my mother. But if you had asked me last Friday, I was ready to wring her neck! And tomorrow I may want to exchange her for a different model. I love her, hate her, feel guilty, and wish I were a better daughter. How long is this session—have you got a few years?”
“My mother died when I was seven years old. She was my best friend. I often wonder what my life would be like if she had lived. I miss her terribly.”
“I don’t want to talk about her. She’s just the woman who gave birth to me. That’s how I see her. Basically she screwed up my life, and I think I probably hate her. Most times, I’m just indifferent about her. You know, sort of numb. Next question.”
“I consider my mom my best friend. She’s such an encourager, always there when I need her. We are so much alike, it’s scary. If I can be as good a mother as she is, I’ll be happy.”
“Are you going to talk about how she didn’t breast-feed me and weird stuff like that? Because I just want to know how to get along with my mom. Right now, that’s a big problem.”
“My mother? Sounds like a shrink question to me. Does it matter how I feel about her? I don’t know, Dr. Linda. How do you feel about yours?”
Even though I’ve asked this question hundreds of times in therapy, I’m always amazed at the intense emotions it evokes. Women laugh, cry, grow silent, get deep in thought, yell, swear, smile…it’s a simple but tough question with a complicated answer that can change from day to day.
The powerful mother-daughter bond is a hotbed for all kinds of emotions. And it doesn’t much matter what age we are or if our mother is alive or deceased. When emotions run positive, the bond is like no other. But when negative emotions rear their ugly heads, poor reactions and coping can lead to depression, anxiety, anger, and a host of defensive feelings.
I Love My Mom, But…
Most women tell me, “I love my mother, but…” And it’s that “but” that trips us up. “But I don’t feel close to her.” “But she tries to control me.” “But I can’t please her.” “But I have a lot of guilt.” “But she won’t treat me like an adult.” “But I get so angry with her.” The list is long.
So the question is, how do we handle these strong emotions—this emotional reactivity, as therapists call it? Can we avoid becoming emotional wrecks or stop feeling like we are ten years old again? And how can we move from a defensive posture with Mom to a more supportive one? By the time you finish this chapter, you should have answers. And by the time you finish this book, you’ll have a variety of information, strategies, and methods that will help you develop a rewarding relationship with your mom.
I’m going to remind you over and over of this one helpful truth; please keep it in the back of your mind as you work through this book: You can’t change your mother, but you can change your reaction to her. And when you change your reaction to Mom, it changes your interaction, which impacts your relationship. Change comes when you decide to react differently. So many daughters waste their time trying to change their mother. Let me tell you from personal experience, it’s an exercise in frustration. Your mother is not your patient asking for help from her doctor daughter!
Our goal is to rein in our emotions and get control. We want to respond in ways that promote love and connection. Don’t get caught up in what Mom is doing. Focus with me on your reactions. In this chapter, we’ll look at ways to help you make the mother-daughter relationship more rewarding by controlling the part of your relationship you do have control over. Yes, you guessed it—your own reactions.
Defense, Defense
When I was a college cheerleader, we yelled the cheer, “Defense! Defense!” mostly when we were losing a game. Out of frustration, we wanted our team to defend the goal and prevent the other team from scoring. It was a strategy aimed at stopping the other team’s offensive efforts. However, defense didn’t put points on the board for our team. Consequently, a great defensive effort could still result in a lost game.
The same is true for mothers and daughters. When we put all our time and energy into defending our point of view (defending the goal), we don’t encourage the building of an intimate relationship (scoring points). Defensive reactions block our communication, and as a result, intimacy is lost. When we become highly defensive or upset we don’t listen. We aren’t reasonable. And all we want to do is win our point.
In this chapter, I will identify the traps that pull you into defensive communication and move you toward developing more supportive communication that is conducive to a healthy relationship.
Defensive communication usually comes about because you feel attacked, judged, guilty, fearful, or anxious. Because our mom’s appraisal of us matters, we may become defensive when we think she is undercutting our sense of worth or not validating who we are—an individual who’s separate and independent of her. When this happens, it can breed regret, hostility, and other strong emotions. Hostility and anger are so prevalent in mother-daughter relationships that I am devoting an entire chapter to them (see chapter 2). For now, let’s understand what goes into defensive communication so we can make changes to avoid it.
Evaluate Your Reaction Style
When you and your mom hit a point of contention in the relationship, what is your style of reacting? Do you become highly defensive? If so, what do you do when you feel attacked or judged? Your answers matter because when you respond with strong emotions, nothing gets solved. And that’s not the only problem. Usually after an unpleasant, emotional confrontation with your mother, the residual emotions that you carry around can stress you out and even create physical problems. The goal here is to help you become less reactive and more responsive in your dealings with your mother. To stay calmer and more mature, you may have to practice reacting less and responding better.
What Are Your Defensive Styles?
Let’s begin by identifying possible defensive styles. When you’re dealing with your mother, do you engage in any of the responses listed below?
1. Go on the attack and then try to rationalize or justify what you said or did. In order to protect yourself from Mom, you take the offensive and attack her. That way you don’t have to feel vulnerable or risk getting hurt.
2. Blame others and not take responsibility for yourself. Someone else is always at fault, and you are the perennial victim. Or even if you are at fault, you don’t want to “own it.” That is, you don’t want to acknowledge your mistake and take responsibility for it. So you find someone or something else to blame.
3. Give in—and later regret that you did. Are you easily swayed by the person-to-person contact—then do you kick yourself later for not standing up for what you really think or believe? Are you easily persuaded because you don’t really know what you think and feel?
4. Agree with Mom up front but then go behind her back and try to get even. This is a passive-aggressive way of dealing with your mom. It’s indirect and dishonest because you don’t have the guts to deal directly with your disagreement; instead you find secretive ways to get back at her. You may appear to do what she wants while hiding your true actions. In other words, you give Mom the impression that you are going along with her advice, thinking, and values, but then you behave in different ways. This creates a false self—the one that Mom sees. The real self behaves very differently away from her presence.
5. Just avoid problems. There is no communication because you are avoiding the issues. Your reacting style is to pull away and withdraw. Nothing is accomplished except that you are temporarily removed from the tension. But that tension doesn’t go away.
Think about what you tend to do when the heat rises in your relationship with your mother. None of the defensive styles described above will deepen intimacy or move you toward more open communication channels. If you tend to become defensive by using any of the above strategies, you need to make changes. Stop attacking, blaming, and avoiding Mom, and stop agreeing with her when you don’t want to. Learn to listen and be honest and direct. As you lose your defensive posture, you’ll be able to have more interactions that are less volatile. Here are some tips to help you do that.
Identify the Triggers
Most of us have emotional triggers that set us into orbit with Mom. Triggers are those things that set off, or cue, an emotional reaction in you. They can be specific events, conversations, or people; they can be your thoughts or Mom’s behavior. Here’s an easy example. Let’s say every time you try a new fashion idea, Mom makes a negative comment, a put-down. So you learn that expressing yourself through fashion is bound to bring criticism and thus is a trigger.
Here’s another example. Your mother calls to complain that “nobody” cares about her because you don’t call her every day. She fails to mention that you have three sisters who could pay attention to her needs as well. Whenever she makes these self-pitying comments, you feel really guilty and apologize out of a sense of obligation. Later, you get upset with yourself for playing this emotional game. (This is number three on the previous list of defensive strategies.) The truth is, you haven’t been ignoring your mom, and your sisters haven’t done their part. But her phone calls trigger an overwhelming sense of dread and guilt in you.
Think about this example. You were deeply hurt over your mom’s comments about working outside the home. You are a single mom and must work to support your children, but your mother keeps bringing up her wish that you would marry and be able to stay home. Because you are stressed and worry about being a single parent, you blow up at her. The trigger is your thought: She thinks I’m a bad mother for having to go to work. I don’t need to hear this. I already feel bad enough.
Your thoughts may not be based in reality, but you attribute blame to her anyway.
While these are examples of specific triggers that might be at work, there are also common triggers that send many of us into a defensive state. Usually they include three general areas:
Triggers related to our feelings. Triggers related to not dealing with our own “stuff” (that is, the issues in our lives that incite strong emotions within us). Triggers related to Mom’s not dealing with her own stuff. (Be careful here. Most daughters would like to believe this is the main problem, when it may not be.) Check this list. Think about the times and situations when intense negative feelings are triggered in you. What triggers those reactions? Ask yourself if it usually involves one or more of these issues:
Feelings. The feeling may or may not be based in reality, but this is how you feel:
unsupported unaccepted or unapproved misunderstood frustrated insecure obligated Your stuff. Your problems that might trigger strong emotions in your mom could include
refusing to see your part in the problem (a situation that leads to unfair blame, denial, rationalizing, and anger) suggesting motives that don’t exist projecting (putting) your feelings onto Mom (confusing your stuff with hers) failing to understand and listen not seeing the big picture (see chapter 5) Mom’s stuff. Your mom’s behaviors that could trigger strong emotions in you might include
criticism, sarcasm, put-downs invalidating your feelings, that is, minimizing them to the point that you believe you “shouldn’t” feel a certain way using unfair blame or guilt excessive control avoidance of problems playing the martyr acting frail and unable to cope How to Respond to Triggers
Now, you can’t control your mother’s thoughts or behaviors. And you can’t force her to deal with her “stuff.” Her reactions are just that—her reactions. So stop trying to change her, unless she’s asking to change and wants your feedback. Most likely, you will be the one changing in order to create a more rewarding relationship. Remember, you can’t control her reaction, but you can control your response to her reaction. So let’s focus on how to respond to these emotional triggers.
Practice Responding Under Fire
Once you have identified the specific triggers that set off an intense emotional reaction in you, practice a new way to respond to those triggers. In therapy, I often have my clients act out or role-play a typical triggered event. Then we rehearse a new way to handle that specific issue.
For example, Mary loses it every time her mom brings up her divorce. Mary knows her mom won’t stop talking about the divorce, and now she realizes it is a trigger for her to go on the defensive. So, in therapy, Mary thinks through a better way to react to Mom’s comments. She decides to say, “Mom, I’m disappointed by the divorce too. When you bring it up, it makes me feel even worse. There is nothing I can do about it now but grieve it as a loss. He’s left me for another woman. I could really use your support to get through this. One way you could support me is to not keep reminding me how much I have failed. Instead help me face the future.”
Mary then coaches me to be her mom, sharing what Mom usually says and how she acts. I then play her mother, and she practices her new strategy. She is less defensive because she states how she feels and asks for constructive help. Her mom can choose to ignore her request and continue her divorce-track comments, so I take this position and allow Mary to practice handling this possibility. We rehearse as many scenarios as Mary can think up. The rehearsal helps Mary think through her responses when she’s not so defensive so that she can have a more controlled reaction when her mom inevitably brings up the topic.
Rehearsing your responses ahead of time prepares you for the next time the trigger occurs. You may still lose it and go on the defensive from time to time, but with practice, you can eventually learn to respond differently.
Develop Assertiveness and Self-Definition
You’ll read this lesson repeatedly throughout this book: The more you understand who you are apart from your mom, the better you can be true to yourself when you are with her. So an important step to controlling your emotions when you respond to her is to work on developing yourself as a unique person apart from your mom. This means defining your beliefs and letting your own personality prevail. Therapists call this process defining your “I” and finding your voice. (We’ll discuss these processes in more detail in later chapters.) Work on your reactions to emotionally charged issues. Remember, the goal is to be less defensive and more honest in your relationship. In order to be honest, you have to know what you think and feel.
In the earlier example concerning fashion as a trigger for criticism, there are several ways to respond that won’t lead you down an angry and defensive path. First, since you have identified the emotional trigger, practice how you will respond to it. Be prepared to be assertive. It helps to keep your response descriptive versus judging. Describe your own feelings rather than attacking your mom for being critical. For example, you might say something like, “Mom, I like to have fun with fashion. It hurts when you criticize me about it. If you don’t like my style, I would prefer you keep your comments to yourself since it creates bad feelings.” In this case, you are asserting who you are (you’re using your voice), but not in a defensive way. Your reaction isn’t an angry impulsive backlash but rather a true description of how you feel and a request for her to change. Mom’s response is up to her, but at least you’ve given her a strategy that would help the relationship.
You can take your position without having to prove anything because you are only describing what happens to you. This requires you to spend some time gathering knowledge about yourself (the self-definition work) and to be somewhat introspective about your behavior and thoughts. When you are comfortable with your choices, you may feel more secure and have greater willingness to be open to feedback; you may be willing to think about Mom’s comments and decide if there is any merit in them—you can listen without becoming highly defensive. This practice of defining yourself and then “using your voice” can help control your negative reactions to your mom.
The groundwork for some daughters is to take time and really think about what they do think and feel. That was the case for Rhonda. We had numerous sessions in which all she would do was go on the attack about her mother. When I pushed her to stop complaining and tell me what she wanted to change and how that would look, she didn’t know what to say. She had spent so much of her life being upset and lambasting her mom that she didn’t have a clue what she actually wanted the relationship to be like.
Hey, That’s Not What the Bible Says!
When my kids were little, one of my favorite books to read to them was a book entitled Hey, That’s Not What the Bible Says by Bill Ross. The author takes a Bible story and then gives it a wrong ending. You read the incorrect ending and turn the page, and a bunch of kids are screaming, “Hey, that’s not what the Bible says!” Then the author corrects the story’s ending.
The reason I like this book so much is that it reminds me of life. We tend to make up our own endings to relationship problems. In our version, people are apologizing for wrong actions, being fair, addressing issues when they arise, and basically living in the epitome of mental health and applying their Christian faith flawlessly. Well, as we all know, life isn’t like that. Instead, we have to cope with all the “incorrect endings.” When we face denial, injustice, poor treatment, lack of validation, and so on, our work is to respond as Christ would respond. When we don’t, we need to imagine God saying, “Hey, that’s not what the Bible says.”
Biblical relationship guidelines are healthy and foster communication. But they aren’t usually our first instinctual response. However, the benefits of responding to others in a Christlike way are amazing. Not only will your relationships improve, but so will your mental health. We don’t call Jesus the Great Physician for nothing!
When you are negatively triggered by something in the relationship with your mom, try not to react without thinking. Don’t act impulsively or give vent to your frustrations. Unconsciously, we probably believe that Mom will take whatever we sling at her. Because of this trust, too often we tend to let loose rather than use self-control.
It’s easy to take offense. Harder not to. Easy to react. Harder to respond in a godly, loving way. I speak from experience.
Personally, I’ve made it my goal to assess whether my actions and reactions line up with God’s Word. Since the Bible directs us to respond in ways that often are counter to our human nature, we have to constantly check our reactions against the Word, admit when we’ve failed, and try again. It isn’t easy. But hey, I figure that’s the work of walking out my faith. No one said it would be easy!
So how do you stop being so defensive with Mom? Start reading the Bible and absorb what is said about being loving, kind, gentle, patient, longsuffering, self-controlled, faithful, and peaceful. This is the “fruit,” or outcome, of what should be evidenced when we are one of His. It only comes when we have intimacy with God and put the Word in our hearts.
And then there is the wisdom of Scripture—the grandest Ann Landers of all time. If you just consider the wisdom offered in Proverbs alone (not to mention the rest of the Bible), it will keep you on your toes. Here is just a taste of that wisdom from Proverbs:
“Incline your ear to wisdom, and apply your heart to under-standing” (2:2 nkjv). When we try to understand the situation, the bigger picture, the heat of the moment, or whatever the circumstances of an emotional interaction, it helps us stay calmer. Understanding goes a long way in any relationship, because when we have understanding, we tend to be more tolerant and empathetic. “Don’t talk too much, for it fosters sin. Be sensible and turn off the flow!” (10:19 nlt 1996). Okay, I admit this is a tough one for me, but one I keep working on. The point is, hold your tongue so you don’t say things in haste that you may later regret. “A kindhearted woman gains respect, but ruthless men gain only wealth” (11:16). Do you think of yourself as kindhearted? Ready to give the benefit of the doubt and look for positives in your mom? If not, you may gain other things such as wealth or material possessions but at a high cost. Is losing respect worth being ruthless? Or would you rather be kindhearted and gain her respect? “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (12:18). Back to our tongues again! The Bible has lots to say about this small part of our body that can do so much damage. The lesson here is, don’t be reckless in what you say—don’t lash out, hurt, wound, or say mean things because you feel hurt or wounded. Choose your words carefully so they can be part of healing and not hurting. “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice” (13:10). There are times our mother is right and we become defensive because we don’t want to hear it. The root of this is usually pride and pride breeds quarrels. “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame” (18:13). One of the problems of defensiveness is that you don’t hear what is being said. If all you are doing is planning what you will say and how you will defend yourself, you really can’t hear what your mom is trying to say. Listen first, then think about what you want to say. The Bible is full of instructions and wisdom concerning our responses to relationship difficulties. The point is to use the Bible as a guide for your responses to Mom rather than as a club to judge and criticize her. When you line up your thoughts and actions with biblical teachings, you won’t be operating out of defensiveness but out of a sense of God-given love and self-control.
More Ways to Respond to Triggers
Lighten Up
When you are triggered by an emotional issue with your mom, one of your best responses is to use humor. When used appropriately, humor can diffuse tension and lighten the moment. It allows both parties to laugh and gain a fresh perspective for the moment. Of course, you don’t want to use humor to laugh off problems or avoid dealing with an issue.
Here’s an example of how I used humor one summer when my parents came for a visit and tension between my mom and me was rising over a particular issue. One of my triggers had to do with my mom telling me when she thought I needed to go to bed. At about 10 p.m., my mom would say, “Linda, don’t you think it’s about time you go to bed?”
At this point in my life, I had been married a number of years, had no children, and worked a full-time therapy job. Because of the distance, I only saw my parents a few times a year. I used to wonder if Mom had forgotten that I was a grown-up.
In the past, when my mom would do this, I would get angry. This time, I decided to use humor instead. It really was pretty funny that my mom thought she had to tell her 30-year-old daughter when to go to bed!
Of course, my take on the matter was that my mom was trying to control me and tell me what I needed to do. I was a grown woman and didn’t need her to do this. Her take was that it’s tough to ever stop being a mother. She was just concerned that I get the rest I needed and that I didn’t feel obliged to stay up late with her and Dad. But because none of this was ever verbalized, we reacted to our own separate thoughts.
So, instead of my usual “Oh, Mother!” and stomping off while mumbling under my breath, I decided to take the humorous approach. One night at ten o’clock when my mother reminded me of bedtime, instead of getting mad, I humorously said, “Oh, Mom, thanks for telling me. What would I have done if you hadn’t been here? Maybe I would never go to bed. I’d be up all night. Good thing I have you here to help me.” And I started to laugh. So did she. We both saw how crazy we were acting—me to get so worked up over something so inane, which could easily have been handled had I simply asked why she did this. She was feeling the need to take care of me. She saw my pressured life and wanted to help.
As we laughed, she said, “I guess you never stop being a mother and caring for your kids. It’s hard to make the transition.” And I was reminded how much she really did care about me and how often she had helped me as a child. I realized she was motivated by love and not control.
Taking Time-Outs
One of the most effective parenting strategies for kids who react defensively to a situation is giving them a time-out. The purpose of a time-out is to stop the observed inappropriate behavior and give the child time to cool down and think about what he or she did.
Adults need to employ this strategy as well. Use it with your mom when an interaction heats up and you feel you’re losing it. Simply say, “I’m getting too worked up to be sane. I need a few minutes of time-out.” Then walk away and cool down. Take a few deep breaths, pray, count to ten, and think. Define the problem and consider what you are reacting to. You’ve been triggered—now how do you want to respond?
Wait until you have calmed down, then go back to the problem and deal with it. Don’t wait a week or months. Get back to it as soon as you feel able to be calmer in the relationship. Most of the time, a 20-minute cooling-off period will be enough.
Drop the Rope
As we grow in maturity with our mom, we eventually learn to accept her faults versus resent them. It seems we have fewer tensions because we begin to see our mom as an individual woman and not just as a parent.
The more you can tell your mom you care about her, the better. Show gratitude for what she has done and the sacrifices she has made. This goes a long way to cutting through defenses. No one likes to be criticized all the time, even if it is justified. Praise and acts of affection go a long way to create an atmosphere in which problems can be raised and addressed.
If being around your mom for any period of time is difficult, then plan your visits to be short and structured. This is often the advice I give daughters who come from abusive or addicted homes who want to maintain a tie with their mom but don’t want to put themselves in a position to be hurt again. In those cases, it may even be appropriate to stay in a hotel so you have a place to which you can retreat and compose yourself. Explain this to your mom by saying, “I want to see you, but I feel it’s best if I have my own space while I’m here.” Then visit Mom on your terms, leaving if you find her in a physically altered state (by drugs or alcohol, for instance) or abusive. Tell her ahead of time (when she is thinking clearly) that if she is altered by her addiction or becomes abusive you will need to leave.
In less-dangerous situations, there are mother-daughter issues that sometimes can’t be resolved. In those cases, therapist Betty Carter tells us to metaphorically let go of the rope. In other words, you may want to drop the issue to make peace. When you encounter extreme resistance and your mom is unwilling to relent, the best strategy may be to agree to disagree and build the relationship around other relationship points.
For example, one adult daughter I worked with couldn’t stand the second husband her mom married. She felt as though this man was a gold digger and using her mom for her money. She tried to talk to her mom about him, but her mom refused to even consider her daughter’s ideas. Mom made it clear that she was married to this man, and the marriage was not negotiable. If she had made a mistake, she’d live with it, and she didn’t want her daughter intruding. She appreciated her daughter’s concern but didn’t want her help in this area. Mother and daughter agreed to avoid the topic of the new second husband. And while this put some strain in the relationship, the daughter concentrated on staying connected to Mom despite Mom’s new status. She agreed to drop the rope.
The second-husband issue could have been an ongoing battle, but the daughter decided to make peace with Mom. Her mom knew where her daughter stood concerning the second husband, and the daughter knew Mom was a grown-up and had to make her own love life decisions. In this case, the daughter agreed to drop the rope regarding a specific issue that could potentially block her mother-daughter relationship. She didn’t avoid the problem because she told her mother how she felt, but she did recognize that this was an issue from which her mother would not budge. Her mother had made that clear: She was unwilling to entertain her daughter’s views on this topic.
Sort Through the Laundry of Guilt
Could there ever be a book about mothers and daughters that doesn’t talk about guilt when it comes to defensive reactions? If you are a daughter, you have guilt over something! Guilt is like laundry. It just seems to pile up. To keep it from taking over the laundry room—or your relationship with your mom—you have to sort through it.
On the one hand, guilt is a good thing. It prevents us from continuing to misbehave or act out. We train our children to feel guilty when they’ve been disobedient. Ideally, guilt leads to confession of wrongdoing and repentance. True guilt should lead to change.
If you feel guilty because you’ve done something to hurt your mom, good. Go make it right. Don’t just stare at your navel and feel guilty. Take action.
Jennifer had to do this. She felt extremely guilty for lying to her mom about a recent financial situation. A multitude of bad choices had left Jennifer in overwhelming debt. She was advised by an attorney to declare bankruptcy and was embarrassed to tell her mother. The guilt was getting to her. Every time she spoke to her mom, she felt she had to cover her lie. Her dishonesty was changing their relationship in a negative way. The solution was easy, though humbling. Jennifer had to go to her mom and tell her the truth. Then she asked for forgiveness. When she did, her mom was disappointed and felt betrayed by Jennifer’s dishonesty. Mom forgave Jennifer but it took time to trust Jennifer again. However, Jennifer no longer carried around the heavy load of guilt.
On the other hand, guilt can be misplaced and unhealthy when we hang on to it and it isn’t due to sin or misbehaving but rather is due to a failure to accept our limitations. Daughters often feel guilty over not being perfect daughters.
You may be holding on to unrealistic expectations, a topic we’ll discuss in chapter 5. You can’t be and do everything perfect as a daughter. You will and probably have made mistakes. That’s okay, as long as you admit those mistakes, ask for forgiveness, and move on. Once you have sorted through the laundry, put it in the machine and let it get clean. You do this by confessing, repenting, and changing.
Jesus paid the price to cleanse you. When you ask Him to take away your sin, He does it—and doesn’t remember it anymore. It’s gone, clean, forgiven, over, done, in the past, and never to be remembered.
You may also need to work on changing your expectations. For example, can you really call your mom every single day? Is that healthy? Or do you need some separation? Can you always be there for her every need? Should you be? Perhaps your father, brother, or sister should pitch in to help. Will you always act in ways that she approves? Probably not, because you are two different people. Do you have guilt over her not accepting every part of you?
These questions are important to ask because so much guilt comes from not living up to a certain standard determined either by you or by your mom. In reality, we have only One to please: God. If you live your life according to His directives, He will honor you and be pleased. If it’s at all possible, find out your mother’s expectations of you by asking her what they are. Then try to negotiate if you feel they are unrealistic. Talk about what you realistically can do in the relationship.
I remember treating a young woman whose mother was upset with her because she wasn’t sexually active. It sounds bizarre, but the mother was divorced and sleeping around. Mom’s guilt was lessened by trying to bring the daughter into her lifestyle. Fortunately, the daughter saw this as crazy and refused to join her mother. Still, she struggled with guilt when her mom called her a prude. But the guilt was only momentary as she grounded herself in Scripture and confirmed that she was acting according to her beliefs. It’s ironic but true: Taking a stance against your mom, even when your mom acts crazy, can still induce guilt.
If your mom tries to throw your past in your face, simply tell her to stop. You’ve dealt with the past, and she needs to stop bringing up what was already forgiven or reconciled. If you keep bringing up the past, you aren’t playing fair either. The past, once resolved, needs to stay in the past.
While intellectually we can say, “Yes, God forgives me,” living that out can be hard to do. Inappropriate guilt keeps us stuck, unable to move forward in the things God has for today and the future. God wants you free from guilt and shame—not so you can sin and exercise a form of cheap grace but so the true power of the cross can be revealed in your life. Embrace guilt when it leads to true repentance. Say goodbye to it when it leads to emotional captivity.
How do you stop feeling guilty? By releasing it to God. There is no magic formula here. Letting go of guilt happens when you recognize that the cross was sufficient for all your sins and you confess them. Hanging on to guilt is like saying Christ’s sacrifice wasn’t enough for you. Don’t be misled. He died for all your sins. Confession, as the saying goes, is good for the soul because it gives you a fresh start. It is His amazing love that keeps us from condemnation.
The more you can practice moving out of defensive communication with your mom, the more your relationship will improve. And even if she never changes, you will have the satisfaction and practice of using more supportive communication. This is beneficial to all your relationships. You will also be rewarded for your attempts to be like Christ in all you do. That road is never easy but it is the right way to proceed. Ask God to empower you to be more like Him in all you do.
Thought Points
1. What style do you tend to embrace when you become defensive with your mother? 2. What triggers send you into a defensive posture? 3. What do you want and expect from your mother-daughter relationship? 4. Study James 3 and consider how you can live out the principles shared there in your relationship with your mother. 5. Choose an issue that has caused conflict with your mother and try to problem-solve it. 6. Is there an issue in which you need to “drop the rope”? 7. Evaluate your relationship with your mother. Do you feel guilty about anything? If so, consider whether that guilt is healthy or unhealthy. If it’s unhealthy, take steps to release it.
It is time for a FIRST Wild Card Tour book review! If you wish to join the FIRST blog alliance, just click the button. We are a group of reviewers who tour Christian books. A Wild Card post includes a brief bio of the author and a full chapter from each book toured. The reason it is called a FIRST Wild Card Tour is that you never know if the book will be fiction, non~fiction, for young, or for old...or for somewhere in between! Enjoy your free peek into the book!
You never know when I might play a wild card on you!
***Special thanks to Cat Hoort, Trade Marketing Manager, Kregel Publications for sending me a review copy.***
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Rev. Dr. Michael S. Barry is the author of four books to encourage and strengthen patients and their caregivers in their battle with cancer, including The Forgiveness Project: The Startling Discovery of How to Overcome Cancer, Find Health, and Achieve Peace (January 2011, Kregel Publications). Dr. Michael Barry joined the Cancer Treatment Centers of America as their Director of Pastoral Care at Eastern Regional Medical Center when it opened in November 2005.
His journey with Christ began in his late twenties, in the midst of a successful business career in Texas. In his mid-30s, he responded to God’s call to ministry. Dr. Barry is an ordained pastor in the Evangelical Presbyterian Church, having served several Presbyterian churches in Arkansas, Texas and Illinois.
Dr. Barry currently serves as the principal investigator for the research project Release! which focuses on the topic of forgiveness as it relates to cancer patients. He is a featured seminar speaker on topics including “Spirituality and Health” and “Forgiveness: Healing for the Body and Soul.”
His philosophy of caregiving for cancer patients is based upon the Christian concept of joy and is the subject of his book, The Art of Caregiving.
Married and the father of two, he received his undergraduate degree from the University of Texas at Austin, his master of divinity degree from Princeton Theological Seminary in 1990 and his doctor of ministry degree from Fuller Theological Seminary in 1999.
SHORT BOOK DESCRIPTION:
All religions value forgiveness, but only Christianity requires it. Internalizing anger is destructive to our spiritual health and can destroy families, marriages, and even churches. But what about our physical health? Is there a relationship between a spirit of unforgiveness and cancer? Between forgiveness and healing? How do you really forgive?
After thorough medical, theological, and sociological research and clinical experience at Cancer Treatment Centers of America (CTCA), author and pastor Michael Barry has made a startling discovery: the immune system and forgiveness are very much connected. Through the inspiring stories of five cancer patients, Barry helps readers identify—and overcome—the barriers that prevent healing and peace. See how a breast cancer patient named Jayne experienced spiritual and physical renewal when she learned to forgive. Meet Cathy whose story illustrates how forgiveness can positively change relationships. Be inspired by Sharon’s story of spontaneous remission. With each true account comes proven strategies, tested and used by CTCA, that readers can implement to find peace with their past, relief from their hatefulness, and hope for healing.
Competing titles may talk about forgiveness, but none specifically address the connection between forgiveness and physical health or offer forgiveness as a specific step toward healing from cancer. The Forgiveness Project presents scientific findings in easy-to-understand, accessible language and offers practical steps to help Christians let go of past wrongs and find peace.
Product Details:
List Price: $14.99 Paperback: 208 pages Publisher: Kregel Publications (December 22, 2010) Language: English ISBN-10: 0825426561 ISBN-13: 978-0825426568
AND NOW...THE SECOND CHAPTER:
Chapter 2
Jayne
“A feeling of lightness”
Everyone says that forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive.
C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
Among the more dramatic miracles I’ve witnessed is the one experienced by Jayne Rager, which is described in this chapter. No story incorporates the principles of finding forgiveness more than hers. She is the poster child for finding and living in freedom.
After she developed cancer, she learned how to battle her way back into good health, leaving no stone unturned. She sought out every possible advantage in her fight against cancer, including the benefits of forgiveness taught at Cancer Treatment Centers of America.
Today, she eats a healthy macrobiotic diet, exercises regularly, and even does chin-ups in her living room. (Can you do a chin-up?) Jayne has a publishing contract for a book she’s writing, and a Dateline NBC program about her tragic experience in Mexico.
Here is her story.
In June 2007, on a little-traveled country road less than a mile from their home in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico, Jayne Rager Garcia Valseca and her husband, Eduardo, were surrounded by armed men and dragged from their Jeep at gunpoint. Eduardo was struck on the head with a hammer. Injured and frightened, the couple were forced into another car, their wrists and ankles bound with duct tape and pillowcases pulled over their heads.
The day hadn’t started like this, of course. Summer vacation was just around the corner, and the Valsecas and their three children were looking forward to the break. The family lived on a ranch just outside the small town where Jayne and Eduardo had founded a not-for-profit elementary school for the town’s children—including their own. They dropped their kids off at school that morning, and on the short drive home their lives changed forever.
Jayne’s journey—at least as it applies to the topic of this book—begins here, at the depths of despair and sadness. And I don’t think it will ruin the story to tell you that her journey has brought her to the emotional heights of forgiveness, which she describes as a feeling of lightness.
She certainly had a lot to forgive. About twenty minutes after the abduction, she was dropped off on the side of the road with only a ransom note to keep her company. “We have your husband,” it said in Spanish. Her husband was held captive for nearly eight months. He spent much of the time in a box no bigger than a small closet, with just enough room to stand up or lie down. He was kept naked on a hard, cold, rough floor, tortured with beatings and with blinding light and loud music day and night. He was shot twice at close range, once in the arm and once in the leg. Several of his ribs were broken.
For her part, Jayne spent some thirty long weeks in a living hell. “There were moments when I thought that I couldn’t possibly go on,” she said. The criminals sent her photographs of her husband to coerce her into paying a multimillion dollar ransom, one that she couldn’t afford to pay even if she were willing to deal with these horrible men. Eduardo’s captors force him to write notes and make phone calls at gunpoint. Throughout the whole experience, Jayne “felt the deepest kind of hatred for these people and what they were doing to me and my family.”
Jayne says this of her thoughts of revenge: “These thoughts became fantasies of all of the creative ways I could torture them, even kill them. My favorite one was of being a giant, female Samurai, beheading all of them in one clean sweep of my sword. Thinking about these things brought me great pleasure.”
Not necessarily the best thoughts for a person to have, but certainly understandable for a woman in Jayne’s horrific predicament.
Although she felt helpless against these feelings and emotions, Jayne knew they would do her absolutely no good on the inside—especially since she had already battled cancer. Jane had been diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer in 2005. After going through conventional treatment (along with several holistic therapies), she found herself cancer free, full of energy, and happy to be alive.
The emotional trauma brought by the kidnapping threatened to change all that. “I knew the negative potential it could have,” she said. “I sought professional help, which was hugely comforting, but my anger, rage, and resentment were extremely hard to get a handle on.”
Jayne wasn’t terribly surprised when her breast cancer returned in the spring of 2008. She wasn’t surprised, but she was devastated. She was almost numb.
What else could be taken from me? she asked. Why me? How could all of this be happening to me?
Still, it made sense when she thought about all of the unresolved rage she had been clinging to for so many months. Jayne realized that in order to heal completely—physically, emotionally, and spiritually—she needed to go in a different direction than before. Her search for a holistic approach to cancer care led her to Cancer Treatment Centers of America’s Eastern Regional Medical Center in Philadelphia, and then to my office for a conversation about forgiveness.
The first time I met Jayne, she was wearing her trademark straw cowboy hat, the kind that rolls up easily on the side and can be shaped in a pointed fashion to easily cover her eyes. She wore a pink bandana underneath to mitigate the all-too-common embarrassment of losing her hair. Though she is Caucasian, her time in Mexico lent a Hispanic flair to her clothing. Almost always, she was able maintain her natural beauty and usually displayed the all-important cheerful, hopeful, and optimistic attitude that is, as the experts tell us, the telltale sign of long-term cancer survivors. As hopeful as she was, though, she was always rightfully concerned about her health and her future. Jayne wanted to live.
By this time, Eduardo had been released from his captors. At the end of January, two months before Jayne’s second diagnosis, she had recovered her husband—though when he returned, he was almost unrecognizable. His weight had dropped from 160 pounds to ninety.
Despite his injuries and depleted physical condition, Eduardo came back ready to jump into life, grateful for every breath of freedom. He was amazed that he could go to the refrigerator and eat whatever he wanted, that he could talk with others whenever he wanted—or at all. He was immensely thankful for everything that you and I take for granted. Strangely enough, he didn’t seem to have forgiveness issues with his captors. He wasn’t angry. His happiness to be alive, home with his family, and free, overrode any hatred, anger, or bitterness.
Jayne, on the other hand, was still stuck in her desire for revenge. She was angry and hated the kidnappers for what they had done to her family. She hated them with all her heart. Jayne had become so hardened that she hadn’t been able to cry for months. At times, she would shake uncontrollably, but she could no longer shed even one tear. She had been running on adrenaline, like a soldier on the front lines of battle, afraid that if she let her guard down all would be lost. Her way of processing things (or not processing them) was her way of surviving, and it worked—but it took a toll, and now she had breast cancer again.
As I talked with Jayne during our first meeting, it became apparent that she was aware of her need to forgive, her need to let go off all the negative emotion that she kept bottled up inside. But, like so many people, she hadn’t figured out exactly how. She needed more direction in order to apply it to her life in a new, permanent way—one that she hoped would help her along the road to health and wholeness.
In short, she needed to let go of her painful memories. She needed a clean slate.
I’ll let Jayne tell the next part of the story:
At one of our first meetings, we talked for about an hour. Dr. Barry heard my story and was compassionate, but to my surprise I didn’t get a whole lot of sympathy. Now, don’t get me wrong: he was sympathetic, but that was not his focus. I had kind of gotten used to having people cry when I told them the story; they would embrace me and mirror my feelings of injustice. Dr. Barry’s reaction was very different. It was nonjudgmental. The conversation was more about his wanting me to find peace again, which often requires learning to feel empathy toward the kidnappers. At one point, he even suggested that there might be some self-righteousness in what I was feeling. Well, that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear about how right I was to feel the way I felt, how wrong and despicable they were and that sooner or later there would be some sort of divine justice.
Jayne wasn’t having it. She told me how she had already tried to find empathy for the men who had taken so much from her. She had even tried praying for them. She had tried to find forgiveness in the midst of her pain, and had come up empty-handed.
“How in the world can I find empathy for these reptiles?” she asked me. “They ambush you, snatch you from your life and your family. We lost our home, our business. We were devastated financially. We had to flee the country leaving our belongings behind, everything we had worked for seventeen years and built as law-abiding citizens. I lost my health from the months of stress, and my children are traumatized. How can I possibly find empathy for these horrible individuals who kidnap, destroy families, and harm and kill people for money?”
I never suggested that life was fair or that forgiveness would be easy.
I reminded Jayne that, under the right circumstances, every one of us is capable of great evil. No one is exempt—not Jayne, not you, and not me. This isn’t easy to hear, of course, but it’s true.
“It’s not about them, Jayne,” I said. “They’ve moved on, maybe to the next victim. You’re still angry and they probably haven’t given you a second thought. You are only harming yourself by holding on to this. Forgiveness is a gift that you can give to yourself. As a concept, forgiveness transcends any particular religion. It’s not that it’s the Christian thing to do or the Jewish thing to do, or the Buddhist, Muslim, or Catholic thing to do. It’s the right thing to do, if what you want is the best chance of beating your disease. It’s the human thing to do.
“This is what you do can do for you, Jayne.”
I left Jayne with a homework assignment. I told her to go home and write a letter to the men who had kidnapped her husband and thrust her life into chaos. She didn’t have to forgive them right then and there, and she didn’t have to conjure up eloquent words for some grand pronouncement of empathy and understanding. She simply had to tell them how she felt.
Jayne’s letter was five pages long. “It felt good to write it,” she said. “It really did. It felt like some kind of emotional release. Like getting it off my chest.”
The next time I met with Jayne, we talked about the letter and about how she felt while writing it.
“It felt good,” she told me, “but I’d feel even better if I had an address to send it to, and maybe just a tiny bit of anthrax.”
Funny—and honest—but not exactly what we were working toward. I told Jayne that she should do some more writing. This time, she needed to work a little harder toward finding empathy. It isn’t something that comes from the head, I told her, but from the heart.
When she sat down to write for the second time, Jayne found herself stuck, not sure what she could say that hadn’t already been said. The cursor on the computer screen blinked at her silently. She decided to clear her mind and meditate on empathy. The answer eventually came to her, and when it did, it took a surprising and inspired form.
“I decided to use my creativity to create a mental movie set. I imagined the kidnappers as babies. I’m a mother of three and I adore children. I’ve often thought that all babies come into the world as blank canvasses. I’ve seen as a mother how they absorb, like little sponges, information about the world around them, about their environment. I saw these little babies in my mind, innocent and new, and then took them forward in the imaginary movie, creating what they must have gone through in order to ultimately become what they became, capable of doing what they do. I did this for each one of them, one by one. All seven of them.”
Suddenly—after an hour and a half of stretching her mind and creating a script by which she could understand these men and their motives—she felt it. “I felt an enormous wave of relief,” she said, “as if the weight of the world had just been lifted from my shoulders. It was amazing. I felt so much lighter.”
Sharon Whitmore, a fellow cancer patient, described the result of forgiveness in similar terms. “I woke up the next day and had this feeling,” she said. “It was a lightness. It was a lightness in my heart. You know how you have a heavy load? It didn’t feel heavy anymore.”
Moreover, and much to Jayne’s surprise, she felt the most relief in the places where she had the disease. “I had gotten it off my chest,” she smiled. “Literally.”
The process of releasing her anger made her ask some questions, as well. How much of this is the result of my own emotions? How much is the result of my own way of thinking and processing things?
Jayne felt amazing for the rest of the day. She had a smile on her face that could not be contained, and a lightness in her step that was noticeable to everyone around her. She had more energy. Her chemotherapy infusions felt easier to take. Most importantly, she had a renewed love of life and was ready to move into healing.
The lesson has stayed with her and has begun to change the way she lives her life in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.
“Now, I remind myself daily to apply forgiveness to my everyday life—while driving, while in the grocery store, and at home with my family. Every time I feel myself going into anger or judgment, I instead choose empathy and forgiveness. I get better at it every day. Doing this has been life-changing for me and has had a ripple effect in countless encounters.”
I believe that everyone can experience the same life-changing feeling of lightness that Jayne describes. It isn’t going to look the same for everybody—which is perhaps one of the reasons that forgiveness has been overlooked and underused in the recovery process. It can’t be precisely quantified. The notion that the process of forgiveness requires a predetermined number of steps in order to arrive at the final destination is a notion that must be put to rest.
In short, there is no easy equation that says
(action a + understanding b) x (y2 empathy) ————————————————————— = forgiveness x days
Such equations simply do not exist. There are too many psycho-spiritual variables involved for a step-by-step process to work. This isn’t as easy as setting the clock on the DVD player; it’s more complicated than ensuring that, at the end of the cycle, your whites are whiter and your colors brighter.
In light of how complex we are as human beings, why would we expect our emotional experiences to be identical?
This does not mean, however, that there aren’t any common threads between individual stories. Even as religious conversion experiences are often quite unique, they also share similarities. So, too, is it with experiences of forgiveness.
For example, one woman tearfully approached me after a sermon I preached on forgiveness. She told me that when she learned I was preaching on forgiveness, she almost decided to skip church altogether. Instead, she decided to stay. During the sermon, “something happened.” What happened can be explained spiritually as a miracle, for anytime a heart hardened by hatred is transformed, suddenly or otherwise, into a heart of flesh able to forgive, it is a miracle.
On the other hand, I have worked for several months with people who were unable to get to first base. In one case, after months of work, a woman harbored just as much hatred against her father as when she had begun.
Just as no two stories are the same, no two paths to forgiveness are identical.
Your path to forgiveness may happen miraculously, a change of heart at a moment’s notice. Like Jayne, it may require a fresh and creative approach to discovering empathy. It may take days, weeks, months, or years. There is no way of knowing until you begin the process.
But I do know this: the most important variables are not the time and effort a person is willing to put toward forgiveness. Rather, it is motivation. It relies on whether or not a person has the wholehearted desire to let their painful past go. Without the firm desire to be healed and whole, a person could go through a hundred steps and spend many long months working at the issues at hand without ever experiencing the change of heart required for true forgiveness.
Forgiveness, then, is a process with a definable beginning and end; but the road linking them is often as distinctive as each individual.
The one trait that each story—including Jayne’s—seems to share is the strong desire to live. Like Jayne, you must be willing to do whatever it takes to increase your quality of life, even if it means facing your demons—and forgiving them. Jayne faced her demons with anything but a feeling of helplessness. Rather, she exuded resiliency, the ability to bounce back from her situation with a strength and personal power that came from a potent will to live.
Her life, as dark as it had become, now blossoms with numerous opportunities to speak before impressive audiences. It would be trite to suggest that there is a silver lining in every cloud; but if ever there was a dream that I hoped would come true, it is the dream that is coming true for Jayne, her husband, and their wonderful children.
We’ll close this chapter with some final thoughts from Jayne:
My gratitude to Dr. Barry and everyone at Cancer Treatment Centers of America is beyond words. I believe that going through the forgiveness process has been an essential part of my recovery, and I feel so blessed to have had access to this complete approach to healing from cancer from the inside out.
